For a few months now I have been neck deep in a transition. One that I'm not sure were it will lead. For most of my life from the time I was 12 years old I spent time in the company on many animals. The evoke an intense attraction or curiosity from deep within me. It is like an intense desire to connect with them, a desire to understand them. This intense calling has always left me feeling exhilerated on one side but petrified on the other. I don't know what I'm afraid of but it's not unlike an urge to stick your hand in the fire just to see. They whisper to me in such a soft voice that I strain to hear it but I balance just on the edge leaning ever closer to discern one word. If I could just hear that one word then maybe it would unlock these flood gates of hidden knowledge. It haunts me in my waking dreams that sometimes it hard to concentrate.
It has occurred to me as I rewrite this for the third time that I feel much like my pony friends who are locked in their stall everyday. And the excitement that comes when I am lead out of my stall anticipating open fields for grazing is replaced by resentment as I'm led to the another arena with artificial lighting to be worked. Asked to do tasks that I may not understand but willingly comply for fear of punishment. Then tied to a wheel that I walk around and round with no change in scenery my senses so dulled that any event causes an exaggerated flight/fight response that I fly off the handle from long periods of no stimulation. Over the years one just becomes used to the routine and the spirit fades but never dies.
Until the day I can truly manifest the life I long for I will carry the memories and lessons passed on from my animal friends. The memories of my four leggeds that keep me grounded, of the winged birds of prey that inspire me to fly and the flippered friends who keep me curious and remind me to seek that which is hidden in the cool dark depths of the ocean.
Friday, February 12, 2010
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